


Karkat: Troll The Retconing Human

by nanayoung



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Humor, One Shot, Pesterlog, Retcon, Time Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 20:25:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4801103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanayoung/pseuds/nanayoung
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat decides to troll the worthless human who is solely responsible for the destruction of his group's session. And while he manages to find the right human, he is sadly off the mark when it comes to the time frame. To be fair, its partly John's fault. One shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Karkat: Troll The Retconing Human

You are John Egbert. For the past few hours you've been teleporting all over space and time like a human TARDIS, unable to determine where you'll end up next. For the most part you're trying to hide from your Grimdark God-Tiered sister and gain some semblance of order over your powers. In the mean time, you blow away as many glitches as you can. 

It's kinda been a work in progress. You've been able to avoid Jade so far, but its mostly because you can barely control your stupid retcon powers. And with you unable to stay in one place, you can't really make all that much headway on getting rid of the glitches. They're already multiplying and spreading far past what Dave and Rose thought they would. Even if you did stop teleporting all over the place, you're not sure if you'd be able to get rid of them all. 

And that's not even taking into account the skull freak and Betty Crocker. 

To be honest, this whole adventure is starting to get a little messed up. You're not sure how you –

_BZZZZZ_.

You feel your hood start to vibrate. For a moment you are puzzled, until you remember that that's were you put your PDA. Was someone pestering you? You take out the PDA and feel your eyebrows raise. No, you're being trolled. 

  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]  


CG: ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN.  
CG: THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING.  
CG: IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR.  
CG: I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD.  
CG: I HAVE OBSERVED YOU WHILE YOU WOULD QUAKE AND TREMBLE IN PERSONAL PRAYERS OF SHAME.  
EB: wait...  
EB: karkat???  
CG: WAIT WHAT  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK  
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME  
EB: how are you even talking to me?  
EB: aren't you and the rest of the trolls supposed to be running from jade right now?  
EB: what happened?!  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SQUAWKING ABOUT  
CG: WHO IS JADE  
EB: how do you not know who jade is?!  
EB: oh man, did the glitches mess with your memory?  
EB: are you alright?  
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
CG: AM I ALRIGHT? OF COURSE I AM!  
CG: WHY WOULDN'T I BE WHEN WHEN OUR PRIZE WAS JUST RIPPED OUT FROM UNDER US BECAUSE OF YOUR COLOSSAL FUCK UPS  
CG: EVERYTHING WE WORKED FOR HAS TURNED TO SHIT  
CG: STUPID HUMAN FUCK  
CG: OF COURSE I'M NOT ALRIGHT  
CG: I'M FUCKING FURIOUS  
CG: THE WRATH OF AN ANGRY GOD HAS BEEN BROUGHT UPON YOUR HEAD  
CG: THE HEAVENS WILL RIP APART FROM THE SHEER FORCE OF THE FURY I WILL RAIN DOWN UPON YOU  
CG: AND BY THE TIME I'M DONE RIPPING YOUR FRAGILE HUMAN PSYCHE APART  
CG: REDUCING YOU TO A SAD, EMPTY SHELL OF YOUR FORMER MEDIOCRE SELF  
CG: YOU'LL WISH THAT THE DEMON YOU UNLEASHED WOULD HAVE RIPPED YOUR UNIVERSE APART FIRST JUST TO SPARE YOU FROM THE SHEER PAIN THAT I WILL BRING DOWN UPON YOUR PUNY THINK PAN  
EB: oh my god  
EB: this is your first conversation with me isn't it!?  
EB: how are you even talking to me?  
EB: it's supposed to be impossible!  
CG: OH PLEASE  
CG: DON'T EVEN TRY TO APPLY YOUR LIMITATIONS TO US  
CG: WE'RE SO FAR AHEAD OF YOU BULGE SUCKING WIGGLING LITTLE MONKEYS THAT ITS AN INSULT TO EVEN THINK ABOUT COMPARING US TO YOU  
CG: WHAT YOU DEEM AS “IMPOSSIBLE” IS NOTHING BUT A WALK IN THE BACTERIA INFESTED WALK PORT FOR US  
EB: but you said that you couldn't talk to us after the scratch!  
CG: THE WHAT  
EB: oh sorry  
EB: i mean “the rift”  
EB: you said that you couldn't see or talk to us after the rift because it was nothing but lines and glitches on the screen  
EB: and that you thought it meant it was because we were erased from existence  
CG: YOU MUST TRULY BE DUMBER THAN I EVER COULD HAVE CONCIEVED IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO FALL FOR THAT DRIVEL  
CG: I KNOW WHEN I'M BEING TROLLED, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO  
CG: I AM YOUR GOD, DID YOU NOT GET THAT?  
EB: yeah, yeah, yeah, i know.  
EB: you beat the game, created our universe, and couldn't claim you prize  
EB: i heard it all the first time karkat  
EB: and by first time i mean our original conversation  
CG: ORIGINAL CONVERSATION?  
CG: ARE YOU SAYING WE'VE SPOKEN BEFORE?  
CG: DID YOU AND THE KNIGHT FUCK UP AND MAKE A DOOMED TIMELINE?  
EB: no, this is still the alpha timeline  
EB: just with some... permanent changes now  
CG: WHAT THE HOLY FUCKSQUIRT DOES THAT MEAN  
EB: like,  
EB: i'm not sure what i did or how i did it, but i think i may have retconed the timeline  
EB: by mistake  
CG: YOU  
CG: WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE EMPRESS'S SHINY BLACK SPINAL CREVICE IS A “RETCON”?  
CG: IS THAT A STUPID HUMAN WAY OF SAYING TIME TRAVEL  
EB: no, this is waaaaaaaay different from time travel  
EB: there aren't stable time loops or doomed timelines involved  
EB: i just... go back and change things  
EB: and the alpha timeline rolls with those changes  
CG: NOW I KNOW YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME  
CG: BECAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE  
CG: YOU'LL HAVE TO WAKE UP IN PROSPIT PRETTY FUCKING EARLY IN ORDER TO FOOL ME WITH SUCH HORSESHIT  
CG: TO THINK YOU'D STOOP SO LOW AS TO MAKE PETTY LIES  
CG: I SHOULD NEVER HAVE DOUBTED THE DEPTHS TO WHICH YOU AND YOUR ILK WILL SINK  
CG: BUT I GUESS I JUST EXPECTED BETTER FROM THE DUMBASSES WHO WOULD GO ON TO STUMBLE THEIR WAY TO EPIC FAILURE OF UNIVERSAL PROPORTIONS  
CG: MY MISTAKE  
EB: but its true!  
EB: even though i really, really wish it wasn't  
EB: cause I probably messed up the timeline in a serious way :(  
CG: SINCE WHEN DO YOU EVER NOT MESS THINGS UP  
CG: YOU'RE ENTIRE LIFE IS MADE UP OF NOTHING BUT ENDLESS FAILURE AND MISTAKE AFTER MISTAKE  
CG: MAYBE HAD YOU BEEN LESS OF AN IDIOTIC DOUCHEY NIMSHIT THINGS WOULD HAVE GONE DIFFERENTLY  
CG: OR MAYBE THINGS WOULD HAVE GONE WORSE  
CG: WHO KNOWS?  
CG: MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHO CARES?  
CG: NOT ME. AND WHEN YOU GET WIPED OUT OF EXISTENCE IT CERTAINLY WON'T MATTER TO YOU.  
EB: but it does matter!  
EB: since we all survive the scratch  
EB: and we meet up  
EB: but then jade turns evil  
EB: and now we have to deal with betty crocker and the skull jerk and all those glitches  
EB: oh man,  
EB: things were already pretty bad now  
EB: and i'm not sure if me accidentally retconing our first conversation will make things worse or better for us  
EB: because what we said in your first conversation kinda influenced the rest of our interactions  
EB: and now i'm not sure what will happen!  
EB: god, is this how dave feels when he messes around with time travel?  
CG: IT AMAZES ME TO SEE HOW FAR YOU'RE WILLING TO TAKE THIS CHARADE  
CG: OR IS IT A CHARADE?  
CG: HAVE YOU GONE SO FAR OFF THE DEEP END THAT YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE IN THE SHIT YOU'RE SPOUTING  
EB: heh, i wouldn't be surprised if i did go a little crazy at some point  
EB: in fact, i think i already did!  
EB: spending three years on a ship with jade and dave sprite kinda made me go a little nuts  
CG: ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM IS THE FIRST STEP TO FINALY SOLVING IT  
CG: NOW ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ADMIT HOW MUCH OF A PRICKISH WORTHLESS BLUDGEHUMP YOU ARE AND YOU'LL BE ALL SET  
EB: haha wow  
EB: to be honest, i've kinda missed this.  
CG: MISSED WHAT  
EB: the trolling  
EB: you don't do it as much in your future, ever since we became friends  
CG: THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH WHAT YOU JUST SAID THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN  
CG: MY MIND IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE FROM THE SHEER LEVEL OF YOUR IDIOCY  
CG: WE ARE NOT, NOR WILL WE EVER BE, FRIENDS YOU STUPID HUMAN FUCKBEAST  
EB: john.  
CG: WHAT  
EB: my name's john. john egbert.  
CG: JOHN I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS WHAT YOU CALL YOURSELF  
CG: IN MY MIND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE KNOWN AS “THE DERPY LOOKING LOSER WHO IS THE SOURCE OF ALL MY RAGE AND MISFORTUNE AND WHO I HATE WITH A FIERY PASSION OF A THOUSAND BURNING UNIVERSES”  
EB: aww you say the sweetest things!  
EB: <3  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK  
EB: i'd love to talk more karkat  
EB: but I think I should leave.  
EB: i already messed with the alpha timeline enough.  
EB: jeez, i just know dave's gonna get pissed at me for this  
EB: see you later!

  
ectoBiologist [EB] stopped pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  



End file.
